March Reflection: A Song of Lament

A reflection by Lauren Handy from the Alexandria Detention Center:

March 25th will mark the two-year anniversary of recovering the remains of 115 aborted children and seven months of my incarceration. These past two years I have struggled to articulate my grief. From handling the remains of murdered people, being arrested by the FBI and thrust into the public sphere, and then abruptly ripped from my community, my sense of self has not been able to return to homeostasis from this continuous mourning. 

My fumbling efforts have led to suppression, desensitization, and sometimes even despair. It wasn't until I was stripped of everything that I had time to open the spaces for my grief to become transformative.

Trauma is not an individual tragedy. It is always connected to larger social systems. With that understanding, I have learned personal transformation and healing are vital to my work towards preborn justice and liberation. 

By engaging in healing practices, we increase our capacity to be present and address our current conditions. Healing work is movement work. 

In a place traditionally viewed as one of isolation and fear, I have pried open the closed spaces in my heart to reconnect with my full self and build resiliency, which in turn has brought back my creativity and imagination for new worlds. This reignited hope is vital for organizing because, in order to make change, we must be able to imagine that it can be possible. 

While incarcerated, movement and music have helped me move my grief through my body and keep me grounded and whole. Below is a playlist I have curated for my seven months of incarceration and two-year memorialization. They are songs that helped me work through feelings of otherness, find inner strength, and endure profound sadness for spending this anniversary behind bars. 

But I no longer need to fear my grief, because I need to feel this sadness so I can experience joy again. My grief is a manifestation of my love and, as always, there is no shame in loving boldly.

1) Talking To Ourselves by Rise Against 

2) My Love (Acoustic) by Florence  and  The Machine 

3) Still Waiting by Sum 41 

4) Young  and  Sad by Noah Cyrus 

5) You Don't Know What You've Got by blink-182

6) Million Reasons by Lady Gaga 

7) Am I Dreaming by Lil Nas X 

Below is a list of the different resources I have been engaging with while incarcerated that have helped me move towards hope and process my grief: